I’m guessing you’ve ended up here because life isn’t going how you’d hoped.
You thought you’d be “further ahead by now”, you’re unhappy or you’re lost and stuck – not knowing which way to turn, feeling like life is happening to you, not for you.
This feeling has plagued me for many years; sometimes it lies in the background, other times it’s so overwhelming, I freeze and end up bingeing a tv series, or food, or both.
The reason we feel life is out of our control is simple;
We’ve been unknowingly allowing our egos to run it instead of listening to our true selves.
Okay, so let me back up a bit.
What is the ego?
Well, it’s the story each and every one of us tells ourselves of who we are – and I bet some part of it is riddled with sadness, pain and suffering.
Throughout our lives we experience many things; and the human brain seems to make a habit of retaining the bad parts to then form our self story (ego);
“I failed at x,y,z, so there’s no point in trying something new”
“I’m so awkward in social situations, my anxiety is ruining my life”
“Tom cheated on me, that means I wasn’t good enough for him…”
All of the negative points then form this story of misery and suffering; all the while there’s a quiet voice deep within that knows you’re good enough, that knows you deserve a better life, and knows that it’s completely Tom’s fault he cheated on you because HE’S not enough – not you.
But why do we identify with this ego voice within our heads?
We identify with our egos for a few deep, very human reasons. None of them mean there’s anything wrong with us — they’re actually survival mechanisms that just got out of hand.
From early childhood, the mind starts narrating:
- “This is me”
- “This is what I like”
- “This is what I shouldn’t do”
- “This is who I am”
At that stage, we don’t yet have the awareness to question it. So the voice in the head becomes the default identity. It’s not that we choose the ego — it installs itself before we know we’re not it.
By the time we’re adults, identifying with thought feels as natural as breathing.
Plus,the ego’s main job is protection.
It thinks:
- If I replay the past, I can avoid pain
- If I obsess about the future, I can stay safe
- If I label myself and others, I know where I stand
So when the mind is constantly analysing, judging, worrying, and planning, it feels like we’re being responsible — even though we’re often just suffering.
Letting go of ego feels dangerous because it feels like:
“If I stop thinking, I’ll lose control.”
But in reality, we lose peace, not safety, by clinging to it.
Thoughts use first-person language:
- “I should have…”
- “I’m not good enough”
- “What if I fail?”
Because they speak as you, they’re easy to mistake for you.
The ego doesn’t say, “Here’s a thought.”
It says, “This is who you are.”
And since the voice never shuts up, it feels permanent — like a self rather than a process.
Furthermore, society constantly reinforces ego-identity;
We’re trained to identify as:
- A job title
- A personality type
- A success story or a failure
- A past mistake or achievement
From school to social media, we’re rewarded for building a story about ourselves.
Very few people are ever taught:
“You are the awareness noticing the story — not the story itself.”
So ego-identification isn’t just personal; it’s cultural conditioning.
One of the biggest reasons as to why we feel stuck is because the ego feeds off the past and future;
The ego can’t survive in the present moment.
So it keeps attention:
- Regretting the past
- Rehearsing conversations
- Fantasising or fearing the future
When attention is trapped in time, awareness gets overlooked. We mistake thinking about life for actually living it.
The more we time-travel mentally, the more solid the ego feels.
The more solid the ego feels, that’s when we confuse thinking with being;
We assume:
- If thoughts stop, we stop
- If the mind quiets, something’s wrong
- If I’m not narrating, I’m not alive
But notice:
You don’t stop existing between thoughts.
You don’t disappear in silence.
In fact, peace usually shows up there.
The ego survives by convincing us that it is essential, when it’s actually optional.
The quiet truth;
We identify with the ego because it’s:
- Familiar
- Loud
- Old
- Unquestioned
Not because it’s who we are.
The moment you notice:
“I’m aware of this thought”
…you’ve already stepped out of identification, even if just for a second.
That’s the crack where freedom begins.
If we learn to disidentify from our ego, we can learn to be right here in the present – this is where we can take control of our lives and take action towards the life we dream of; even baby steps count.
It’s time to stop incessantly thinking about the past and future and start living in the only place that exists; right now.
