If you’re reading this then we both share the same problem – we’re fed up of trying to be “perfect” and want to live a happier life.
I’ve got you.
Ever since I was little I tried to be the best at everything – getting good grades at school, achieving graded exams playing the clarinet, I even tried hard at sports and gave my all to everything I tried.
Now in adulthood, I’ve noticed I’m a bit of a perfectionist; and now it’s ruining my life.
But first, what is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is when one sets unrealistically high, often unattainable standards (of themselves/others) and is frequently driven by a fear or failure and intense self-criticism.
Even though it can drive productivity and goal-setting, it often leads to procrastination, anxiety, burnout, and a fragile sense of self-worth.
Perfectionism shows up in the least expected ways for me – trying to time my day down to the minute, hesitating to hit publish on my next blog post due to fear of it not going down well, trying to look “perfect” before leaving the house until a gust of wind totally frizzes my hair and makes me wonder why I even put the effort in anyway, or even gaining weight and ridiculing myself as I stand in front of the mirror feeling somehow inferior to others as I drag my sorry ass to the gym the next day to force myself to workout just to get rid of my gained fat.
Having unrealistically high standards of myself has ruined my life for too long.
Since beginning to experience the power of the present moment – I’m learning to have self-compassion, to not judge myself for the smallest of things, and to tell my ego to wind it’s neck in, get out of my head, and live in the here and now.
In my mind there are 2 types of perfectionists;
- Those who actively try to do everything perfectly (and inevitably get upset or even angry when they don’t meet their own ridiculously high standards)
- Those who procrastinate and therefore freeze – stopping them from taking actions towards what they want to achieve through fear of not “doing it perfectly”.
I can hold my hands up and say I have moments when I am both.
With number 1, my example is when I try to maintain my weight – go to the gym, eat well, drink enough water… however sometimes hormones and cravings cause a change in diet (I fancy chocolate) therefore causing me to gain the smallest amount of weight; resulting in harshly judging myself and my mood plummets. Then, I come up with a ridiculously harsh exercise and diet plan in order to restore order!
With number 2, I have many days where I want to work on my blog, yet feel stuck as to what the right decision is in regards to moving forwards; I worry about what others may think of my posts, I wonder whether I should be in a real job and therefore don’t do anything towards working on my blog as I freeze through fear.
I’m working on both reactions thanks to discovering the power of the present moment, however we’re human and have deep ingrained behaviours that can be difficult to change.
The important bit is to not judge yourself, remind yourself that you’re not perfect and move forwards anyway through the fear.
Perfectionism doesn’t only harm ourselves though, it can harm our loved ones too.
When we’re in a mood or upset due to something not working out “perfectly” as we’d expected, I bet our partners, mothers and those alike can see we’re unhappy, adding to their unhappiness – or even worse still, we accidentally take our frustrations out on them; either from harshly judging ourselves or holding them to unrealistically high standards that no one can ever meet, because no one is perfect.
This is why perfectionism is ruining our lives and our mental health.
The longer it goes unchecked, the more it chips away at our self-esteem and self-worth, which results in severe anxiety, burn out, overwhelm and even depression.
How to turn things around if you’re a perfectionist?
Firstly it’s to be honest with yourself and admit you have this trait.
This isn’t to make you feel guilt or shame – it’s to open your eyes to the truth, accept it, then you can work on turning it around.
Next is to notice when feelings of unease arise;
Are you overthinking about doing something? Just give it a go anyway and see what happens – raw positive energy can be a catalyst for good things, overthinking can talk you out of taking positive action.
Have you frozen? That’s fear – and one thing that can eradicate fear is returning to the present moment.
Sit for a while, ask yourself if you’re safe right now – is anything bad actually happening? No – so take some deep breaths and take a baby step towards what you want to achieve.
Have you gained weight and feel uncomfortable in your own skin? It’s okay, weight fluctuates – you know the issue you want to change, so go for a walk, plan this week’s healthier meals, do some stretches; moving your body will not only help you physically, you will feel mentally calmer too.
And most importantly, learn to notice when that voice in your head is being negative or critical of you – catch what it says and challenge it with words of self-compassion and self-love.
For example, when my mind says, “you’ve gained weight, now you’re unattractive” I take a deep breath, hold my hand on my heart and tell myself,
“I’m enough, I’m human, I may not be where I want to be right now, but that’s okay; I don’t need to listen to this ego any more, it serves me no purpose as all it causes is suffering. I don’t need that any more”
Then simply look around;
What do you notice?
What can you hear?
Can you feel the blood rushing around your body?
You’re back.
Back here where you need to be in order to begin living life and not taking everything so seriously.
So what if you make a mistake?
So what if you’re not perfect?
The only person causing you suffering is yourself – others cannot.
Try this 2 minute grounding exercise to help quieten your mind and experience the power of now.
It’s a start;
A start of a calmer, happier life.
Return back to your true self and life will begin to look that little bit brighter.
